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10 first bonk no-nos

Vincent Wong

by Vincent Wong
Token Metrosexual
Wednesday, 30th March 2011

You don't get a second chance to make a first impression. If you have any idea when you're going to be playing hide the salami for the first time, do yourself 10 favours.

1. Using social media

We’re not saying the first time will be perfect, but breaking off because someone’s sent you a Facebook message dampens the mood. The only thing that makes it worse is if you then proceed to read the message. Answering the message before continuing is also a breach of etiquette.

2. Ripping

What’s not to like about passion? Well, it sometimes wrecks your first date clothes, and don’t forget you might be needing them for another first date soon enough (they obviously work). Tearing each other’s clothes off seems like a terrific idea after you’ve been feeling each other up in the taxi for 15 minutes, but not so great when you’ve got to walk home the next day in the drizzle wearing stuff that doesn’t do up.

3. Scratching and biting without permission

Being clawed and chomped by a crazy drunk person you just met might feel romantic and passionate for a few seconds, but if you get too insistent they’ll feel like they just walked in to a zombie slasher movie. And hickies don’t look cool at work.

4. Conversations about exes

You might prefer it done the way that [insert name of ex] did it, but that’s not really the point right now. So keep that to yourself.

5. Bragging to your mates

Being caught in the kitchen afterwards whispering “you’ll never guess who I just shagged” into your mobile shows your new partner that he or she comes third in your affections after your friends - and yourself.

6. Using the wrong name

We’ve all been there: is it Jodie or Judy, John or Jim? You weren't listening, were you? This is the definition of the wrong time to say “sorry, who are you again?” At least remember not to shout your ex’s name out at the most inappropriate time.

7. Video recordings

Agreeing to five seconds of mild action on the cellphone, face obscured, could be construed as a romantic souvenir. But recording a full-length first-night porno could be career-limiting once you’re sober, especially if your bosses/students/congregation find out.

8. Comparisons

Basic etiquette regarding size or technique: if you’ve had better, now is not the time to point that out, unless you really don’t want a second date.

9. New positions

Unless you’re with someone who really knows what they’re doing. At best, there’ll be long agonising minutes of hang on, that’s not quite, ow, mind my nose, are you alright, yes, don’t drop me, careful, that’s going in the wrong…

10. Moving it up a notch

…which leads us to the most important warning for guys: you might think that checking whether your new lover wants anal sex before attempting it is political correctness gone mad, but rest assured that she takes a different view.

topic tags: first date, relationships, turn offs

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about the author

Vincent Wong

Intellectual, humanitarian, therapist, daredevil: our relationship expert Vincent Wong is none of these. He is, however, a person who friends can trust with their innermost fears, aspirations, desires and wishes, secure in the knowledge that he'll put them into articles and publish them on the internet. If you have a relationship issue that needs Vincent's special brand of care, just ask

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