10 Secret Do's and Don'ts of Speed Dating

by John Davis
Writer, Comedian and Star of Come Date With Me
Tuesday, 10th May 2011

"When I grow up I want to be a speed dating host." These are not the words I uttered as an eager 10 year old when asked by my teacher. Now that I am 'grown up', at least physically, I fear the question being asked because it's now all I can utter. I am a speed date host.

And yet there are certain joys, a voyeuristic pleasure, in spending my evening blowing a whistle and hustling often slightly inebriated gentleman around a room to be greeted by the flushed faces of equally inebriated gentleladies.

This is a little unfair. Not all speed daters get drunk. At least they don't generally arrive drunk. And being drunk, believe me, is one of the least serious crimes that can be committed while trying to fathom the relative attractiveness and compatibility of a complete stranger in those crucial 240 seconds.

As for my top 10 tips, partly because of my own familiarity with the gender (I am male), I'll focus my attention on guiding the gentleman through the top 10 do's and don'ts of a speed dating night. It is also partly because, let's be fair, the so-called fairer sex are generally more socially conditioned to being polite in company and at the very least a lot better at not coming across as a) lecherous, b) borderline sociopathic, or c) barely out of the constraints of a mental nappy.*

1. DO - Make an effort. Clothes wise that is. Not everyone is comfortable in that slim cut Reiss suit. Wear whatever you like, but be consistent in your style. Make it work for you. Your Sunday best is as acceptable as that carefully put together Rock-a-Billy look you've been cultivating for years. You might just find a kindred spirit. Board shorts and flip-flops however suggest less ‘surfer chic' than lazy twat.

2. DON'T - Admit you've done this 'hundreds of times'. You don't sound like an expert, whatever you may think. You sound desperate. Really desperate. Remember, for most people it's their first time. Your regular attendance shows less that you're a committed and consistent guy than your best friends are your Dungeons and Dragons collector cards.

3. DO - Listen. Your four minutes are intended as a conversation in which you both familiarize yourselves with your key points in order to make a swift assessment of possible compatibility. It is not a job interview. People do not want to hear your entire CV. Don't miss that small gem of conversation that can turn a silent witness to your superhuman achievements into a potential friend/bedfellow/partner.

4. DON'T - Bring a scrapbook filled with press clippings about Jill Dando's murder. I've seen it happen, once. Really.

5. DO - Talk! Almost everyone that comes to a Speed Dating event is there for the first time and invariably wrapped up in varying degrees of paranoia and fear. Your date needs to know you're alive, if only because I don't want to be accused of shipping in cadavers to boost numbers. And believe me, silence equals rapey murder suspect. Geddit?

6. DON'T - Arrive drunk or get completely sloshed over the course of the event. Vomit, slobber and repetition do not a happy date maketh. Falling over is quite funny though.

7. DO - Smile and be yourself. You may feel these two are incompatible and your maudlin approach shows a simmering, passionate internal life. It doesn't. It makes you look angry. And nervous. By the same token, tone down the cockiness. Your brash braying does not suggest confidence. It suggests fear. Typical comments I hear between women at half time - "Watch out for the cocky prick. Ah bless. I reckon he's nervous. Probably still lives with his mum."

8. DON'T - 'Nip to the loo' to avoid someone you don't find particularly attractive. Stay the distance. It's only four minutes. Women tend to come in groups, men by themselves or in twos. The gorgeous camouflage clad revolutionary at the next table will inevitably be the Thatcherites best friend. In the immortal words of the Spice Girls, "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends". And who knows, the charming, patient, attentive you may find this is more literally true than the Spicers ever intended.

9. DO - Stay on after the event. This is the most important advice I can give you (except for number 10 below). Four minutes is an unnatural time in which to know whether someone is 'the one' whatever your requirements. It's a conversation between the two of you to assess possible compatibility. If you hit it off then let it be known by chatting after.

10. DON'T - Follow the advice of books like The Game. I cannot express this enough. If you do you are quite certifiably either/and a psycopath/pathologically lonely/a sociopath/a potential serial killer. I've hosted over 200 events and I can spot you a mile off. Men are not from Mars and Women are not from Venus. I will throw you out.

* There are of course exceptions. I've met them...

topic tags: chat up, conversation, fashion, flirting, speed dating, turn offs

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about the author

Like a modern day Moses, John Davis (formerly Jay Sivad) was rescued from under a bushel by the Dating Trail team. Cleansed of his past as a serious journalist, John emerged, the proverbial butterfly, as the country's leading dating writer. He's got practical skills too and can attest to being nation's most experienced dating host having run over 250 speed dating events for Original Dating. A stand up comedian, radio host, philosopher (it's true! He has the paperwork) and budding media personality (Channel Four's Come Date With Me), Jay turns a wry eye on the travails of modern dating and its participants.

John writes regularly for Dating Trail. If you'd like to be be first to find out about his next installment then please follow us on Twitter or 'Like' our Facebook page for updates.

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