Jay's secrets of online dating success: Part 1

by John Davis
Writer, Comedian and Star of Come Date With Me
Tuesday, 7th June 2011

Jay Sivid is Dating Trail's man on the inside when it comes to sucessful dating. He's hosted hundreds of speed dating events and when he was single he mastered the dark art of online dating. In short he knows what works and what doesn't and for this special three part assignment Jay explains how to suceed in online dating. The words of this man could change your life. - Ed

Thanks to all of you for your emails and comments on last week's article (Top Secret 10 Do's and Don'ts of Speed Dating) even if some of you still swear by The Game. And yes, I have listened to the impassioned cries of many of you and a Top 10 for the more intelligent gender will be appearing soon.

This week however, lets turn our attention from the physical to the virtual. A few months ago, for the sole purpose of satisfying my professional curiosity, I decided to dip my metaphorical toe into the waters of online dating. A toe became a foot, and before I knew it, I had slipped, arse over tit on the slippery rocks of analog dating (that's where you say hello and stuff to, like, real people) into the murky, but mildly refreshing, sea of electron led flirtation. Think Tron with a wink.

As a result, and against the tide of general illiteracy that seems to be the online norm, I've decided to go into educational battle and produce a 3 part guide for those of you considering donning your dating trunks and taking the plunge.

Online Dating: Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre

Over the next three articles I'm going to give you a veritable driving lesson in online dating. A mirror, signal, manoeuvre of online do's and dont's.

The first thing to consider, of course, is which site or sites to sign up to. There are literally hundreds out there as a simple Google search will attest to. But we’re not going to leave you to trawl through them all. Not us. Instead, the wonderful folk here at Dating Trail have compiled a whole bunch of impartial reviews of the most popular sites.

So, you've found your site and clicked the attractively glowing "Join" button. Here beginneth lesson number one: Mirror - Take a look at your online self.

1. Username

Choose something catchy. Something that stands out and somehow relates to your uniqueness. For the sake of world peace do not put something like bigcock69 or upme8>. In fact, avoid the number 69 altogether. Contrary to what your newly acquired literary knowledge may suggest, Bigcock69 does not subliminally imply that you do in fact have an impressively large member and exceptional physical dexterity. It states loudly that you're alone in your room eating fish fingers in a vest. Likewise, upme8> suggests Chlamydia and day release.

Try something that suggests something about you. Seriously, if you like football perhaps a handle like footyfan1. It's at least an in. Or go one step further and add a question mark. Sad as it sounds, a question mark as in ‘footyfan1?’ suggests a degree of self awareness, an appreciation of irony and a sense of humour. In other words, you don't take yourself too seriously. And taking yourself too seriously equals desperate. Okay it's not award winning comedy but it's better than bigballs100.

2. Picture: Very simple

Guys: You, topless? NO! You'll look like an idiot who still drives an Escort with fake XR3i badges and a dodgy exhaust. If you walked up to someone in a bar, would you begin “Hi. I’m footyfan1” and then whip off your top in the vain hope this will encourage them to engage in witty repartee? Next!

Intelligent gender: You with your six best friends drunk at some club? The attention span of your average man looking for a potential whatever online is approximately... Sorry, what was I talking about? Which one are you? Next!

Both: People only need to see enough to click on your profile. But at least show enough. You in a spiderman mask does not equal quirky, self aware individual who we'd really like to find out more about. It equals a small, slightly pixelated image of a spiderman mask. Likewise, that obscure arty black & white shot may indeed be ushering in a paradigm shift in art historiography but if people can't tell whether they're looking at your elbow or a drug addled representation of a Shitsu on acid then it's unlikely to tempt someone into the boudoir of your profile.

And the golden rule of profile pics. Make sure it looks like you. Actually, make sure it is you. I've had to sue for false advertising on more than one occasion in the past and my psychotherapy bills went through the roof what with all that post-traumatic stress.

3. Parlez vous anglais?

English. Use it. Properly. You don’t have to be the next Byron to spell properly. Besides, most sites have a built in spell checker. Dyslexia notwithstanding, bad spelling doesn't present you as the laid back devil may care personality you think you are. It suggests lazy. And a bit dim. People will describe you as a mouth breather.

No text speak. At least not in your profile. Observe the following: “Hello, saw yor profile & wonderred f you'd lIk 2 MEet ^ 4 a D8 sometime. U iz weL hot bAbe”. Go home. Lie down. Stay off your mum's pills. It makes you sound like a twelve year old hanging out for your first ASBO despite the fact you come from a middle class family and probably went to private school. I like using the word twat. In this instance it once again fits perfectly.

So here endeth lesson one. You've found a site, picked a user name, uploaded your photos and you're ready, thesaurus and dictionary at hand, to unleash your literary genius upon the unsuspecting dating digirati. Now comes the real test. Signal: Who are you? What do you want? And how do you make yourself stand out using nothing but your fingers? Find out next time. Bye for now.

Jay will be back soon with part two of this three part series. If you'd like to be be first to find out about the next installment then please follow us on Twitter or 'Like' our Facebook page for updates.

topic tags: dating profiles, online dating, photos, relationships, reviews

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about the author

Like a modern day Moses, John Davis (formerly Jay Sivad) was rescued from under a bushel by the Dating Trail team. Cleansed of his past as a serious journalist, John emerged, the proverbial butterfly, as the country's leading dating writer. He's got practical skills too and can attest to being nation's most experienced dating host having run over 250 speed dating events for Original Dating. A stand up comedian, radio host, philosopher (it's true! He has the paperwork) and budding media personality (Channel Four's Come Date With Me), Jay turns a wry eye on the travails of modern dating and its participants.

John writes regularly for Dating Trail. If you'd like to be be first to find out about his next installment then please follow us on Twitter or 'Like' our Facebook page for updates.

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