by John Davis
Writer, Comedian and Star of Come Date With Me
Tuesday, 28th June 2011
Oooh a little controversy from last weeks article. Apparently Volts Nightclub no longer exists in Kingston. God rest her soul.
We've had 'Mirror': Your username and photos. Then came 'Signal': Who are you? What are you looking for? And why should the dating digerati care? And so to the final installment in this three parter, 'Manoeuvre'. How do you go about making first contact?
It's a regrettable fact that the online world, despite its semblance of modernity, reflects the gender distinctions inherent in the analogue world. Men do the chasing, women are the chased, or chaste, whatever.
Guys, it's highly unlikely you will be contacted, no matter whether your profile is the wittiest, most erudite piece of online writing since Kim Kardashian tweeted “Pieces are the best! My dad, brother and boyfriend are pieces… Best sign for boys!”, or you missed my first two articles, (how, I’ll never know), called yourself 'bigballs69' and your profile consists of two words: 'waSSup hunnis!'
So, the dont's. “Hi” is not a sentence. It’s not even a conversation starter in the online universe. Women will generally get 10’s, if not hundreds of messages a day. Weirdly, 'Hi!' is unlikely to be a stand out success.
Likewise, “Luv the pics”, “Let’s hook up!” and “U is Well hUt!” suggest the attention span of a horny goldfish. Stay in the bowl.
Guys and Intelligentsia: Do read the profile of your intended victim/messagee. Refer to it in your first message. It shows you’re actually interested and made an effort. They now know you can read. A good start. Honest.
A message that details your most intimate needs and desires, a day by day breakdown of your life over the last four years, and a confession that your time in prison has made you the person you are today is probably a little too much information. 5-10 sentences will do just fine.
You wouldn't walk up to someone in a pub and start “Hi I'm footyfan1 and I'm an alcoholic, I’ve just got out of jail, my spouse tried to divorce me five times, I love smoking pot and I want to be the best parent I can be for my two kids.” Just a simple hello, and point out the things that you have in common will suffice.
And an open question at that. This is the digital equivalent to open body language. A closed question is one in which only a yes/no answer is possible. “Do you like Justin Beiber?” Conversation over. “What do you like about Justin Bieber?” You really want to know and you want to engage. I want to know as well but probably for different reasons.
No question at all and it's all too easy for your dearly intended to simply ignore you. Great, he or she has a message from you pointing out you both have a penchant for condiments. And?
It's that simple. Introduce yourself, refer to their profile, write in English and show/feign interest by asking an open question.
Oooh and no internet stalking. It's highly unlikely that bombarding someone with messages demanding to know why they haven’t responded to you, do they know how rude that is and if they don't respond God, or some equivalent deity will strike them down with a hammer or something equally blunt, will result in the desired response. They will not come to some great realization about themselves, apologise, beg for forgiveness and profess undying love/lust for you. They will call the Police.
So go free internet daters. Roam the World Wide Web like the cupidial Trons and Tronesses you are. Let me know how you get on because next week are the top ten worst dates ever. True stories that you, dear readers, have deigned me worthy to hear.
Tune in next week. Jay
Dating Trail have reviewed some of the UK's most popular online dating sites here.
Like a modern day Moses, John Davis (formerly Jay Sivad) was rescued from under a bushel by the Dating Trail team. Cleansed of his past as a serious journalist, John emerged, the proverbial butterfly, as the country's leading dating writer. He's got practical skills too and can attest to being nation's most experienced dating host having run over 250 speed dating events for Original Dating. A stand up comedian, radio host, philosopher (it's true! He has the paperwork) and budding media personality (Channel Four's Come Date With Me), Jay turns a wry eye on the travails of modern dating and its participants.
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