The 8 most popular relationship types (Part one)

by John Davis
Writer, Comedian and Star of Come Date With Me
Monday, 31st October 2011

David Attenborough is a hero of mine. Spending hours hidden away observing the strange habits of creatures in their natural environments to shed light on the wonders of the natural world. I like to think I’m just like Dave. Except my task is infinitely harder. I try to shed light on the behaviour of single folk.

Think, a slightly disturbing Desmond Morris.

Instead of spending my hours sipping Horlicks in a hide in the vain hope of catching a rare glimpse of the lesser breasted cock chunker fish monkey, I spend my time skillfully disguised as a speed dating host, and occasional peeping Tom trying to analyse the strange, often alien behaviours that we single humans exhibit in our quest to find what is scientifically called a shag. Now I don’t care if most of you are looking for something more serious, it eventually comes down to satisfying a set of organs located at strategic positions around our body, including, but not limited to, the brain

In so doing I have managed to pull together a taxonomy of relationship types and what they mean. So here we have it: A two-part guide to the various states and stages of our genetically driven imperative to have sex.

Single

Liberated, confident, wordly, sane and happy. Or so you think. Friends in relationships will see you as paranoid, elusive, fractious and self-deluded. This is their prerogative. Everything has a price. Their smugness is your payment for freedom.

If you ever refer to your ongoing happiness at being single as a product of learning to love yourself, people will assume you spend far too much time alone in your room and will interpret your hangover induced red eyes and paleness as a propensity to masturbate too much. Despite your protestations and lurid descriptions of your recent weeks conquests, you know that they know that you know they’re right.

The same goes for the phrase ‘focusing on my career’.

Friends With Benefits

This is politically dangerous territory. You’re essentially saying two things:

A) You’re really into each other but are too scared to admit your own emotional frailty.
B) You’re waiting for something better to come along.

As to the political danger, if you do choose to engage in a FWB relationship please, for the sake of all of us and the future of the planet keep it to yourself. If David Cameron ever hears that sex is considered a ‘benefit’ he’ll try and cut it.

F*^k Buddies

See Friends With Benefits

Available

Like a flat for rent you’re probably owned in some manner, perhaps by your own guilt ridden psyche, but you’re happy to be rented out to, well, anyone really. The term ‘available’ raises the question in people’s minds, ‘available for what?’ And let's be honest, people have filthy imaginations.

Be careful what you wish for. This one’s probably best left to the more kinky of you out there.

Attached

Don’t be so coy. Using the term ‘attached’ when describing your relationship status suggests a lack of choice, like a piece of washing that’s been attached to the line and left out to dry. People will infer you’re looking for a fling but lack the courage of your own convictions. Look up the terms ‘hen pecked’ and ‘under the thumb’.

So that’s the first four dealt with.

Coming next week we'll have Part 2 in this guide to the Top 8 Relationship Types: Now That We’ve Found Love (What are gonna dooooo, about iiiiiiitt?)

(Want to find out more about Jay and what he gets up to? Follow him on Twitter)

topic tags: attraction, infidelity, relationships, speed dating

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about the author

Like a modern day Moses, John Davis (formerly Jay Sivad) was rescued from under a bushel by the Dating Trail team. Cleansed of his past as a serious journalist, John emerged, the proverbial butterfly, as the country's leading dating writer. He's got practical skills too and can attest to being nation's most experienced dating host having run over 250 speed dating events for Original Dating. A stand up comedian, radio host, philosopher (it's true! He has the paperwork) and budding media personality (Channel Four's Come Date With Me), Jay turns a wry eye on the travails of modern dating and its participants.

John writes regularly for Dating Trail. If you'd like to be be first to find out about his next installment then please follow us on Twitter or 'Like' our Facebook page for updates.

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