And the winner is… [Come Dine With Me]

by John Davis
Writer, Comedian and Star of Come Date With Me
Wednesday, 14th December 2011

WILL!!!!!

That inside line and a burst on the final straight saw Will snatching victory from Wayne at the last. And the horse race analogy seems oddly apt now that Will’s date has been revealed as poignantly equine. Forever etched in my memory will be Tracey’s “Hurry up cowboy!” From that moment, barring major disaster, Arthur Daley had it in the bag. He couldn’t cook. He bought low alcohol wine and, when I confronted him responded, “how much alcohol is it supposed to have?” He had handcuffs on his bed. And yet… Well you all know what happened.

Once the victory champagne had been drunk, director-who-cannot-be-named had uttered those fateful words “That’s a wrap”, and we’d all booked into AA, Tracey and Will promised to take us all to Centre Parcs. As I’ve always maintained. Nothing if not classy.

And just to save some face, when asked by director-who-cannot-be-named how I felt about coming last I held my head in my hands, fixed the camera with a sad, steely stare and whispered, “My wife’s going to kill me. How are we going to pay the rent now?” It got left on the cutting room floor. Cheers Eds.

There are two things that are particularly interesting in selling our souls to (sur)reality TV, The first, as I’ve mentioned in previous articles, is the response from viewers and reviewers. While bemoaning the fact of CH4 rehashing ‘a tired format’ and complaining of the show being clearly set up, people still vehemently and personally criticise contestants as being fame hungry ego maniacs or simply dull (or dullards). This is of course giggle worthy to say the least. If the show is set up then it follows that our characters are themselves constructed.

Which leads me on to the second point of interest. I’m impressed. The skill and narrative judgement of director-who-cannot-be-named et. al. is something to behold. It’s clear, after watching what went to air, that from very early on the devils helpers in the form of ITV Productions had a very clear vision of the characters they had created for us. Compressing roughly ten hours of footage a day into a tight and snappy 23 minutes while carefully constructing characterizations that would present a compelling story for the week was a fascinating process to behold.

The failing cheesy comedian; the charismatic yet manipulative Irishman; the hyperactive cute mechanic; the Arthur Daley salesman; the misguided businessman; the fickle yet gobby target of our affections. Carefully constructed and beautifully put together. We all went in knowing that WE would not be represented properly and enjoyed it immensely. And it was interesting how commentators responded predictably to such creations. Thankfully the Guardian made up for the limited ability of it’s online commentators by correctly assuming that we all really liked each other and got on well with no willy waving to be seen.

But ‘real’ life questions still remain. Did Will and Tracey get it on? Did they even go on a date? Have I given up my comedic career for a job in the civil service? Is Wayne’s OK! Magazine fan club a bright but short-lived flame? And has Matt stopped taking his Mum’s diet pills?

The pilot show may be over but (unfortunately for many of you) there is more to come. A full series seems imminent. I’m writing a mockumentary looking at one year later and how ‘fame’ affected us all, and Matt is spreading the CDWM word through South East Asia.

Pending legalities my final article on this odd phenomenon may just be a reveal for some of the behind the scenes truths and answers to questions readers have been sending in. A teaser though… Yes Matt was the spitting image of a short Jude Law and also thought pool and a pint involved swimming, no Wayne and I weren’t bickering rivals, yes Will’s dinner was actually delicious, and no John H. was not on day release.

But in lieu of this, allow me to leave you with Tracey’s post production assessment of the whole Faustian fortnight: Click here for the video.

P.S. Check out the Guardian’s blind date feature in coming weeks.

P.P.S. Dear CH4, please can I have a signed photo of Dave Lamb. Puurleease! Better still, can I have a photo taken with him?

If you missed the concluding episode you can watch it here on C4's YouTube channel.

topic tags: come date with me

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about the author

Like a modern day Moses, John Davis (formerly Jay Sivad) was rescued from under a bushel by the Dating Trail team. Cleansed of his past as a serious journalist, John emerged, the proverbial butterfly, as the country's leading dating writer. He's got practical skills too and can attest to being nation's most experienced dating host having run over 250 speed dating events for Original Dating. A stand up comedian, radio host, philosopher (it's true! He has the paperwork) and budding media personality (Channel Four's Come Date With Me), Jay turns a wry eye on the travails of modern dating and its participants.

John writes regularly for Dating Trail. If you'd like to be be first to find out about his next installment then please follow us on Twitter or 'Like' our Facebook page for updates.

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