by John Davis
Writer, Comedian and Star of Come Date With Me
Friday, 22nd June 2012
If music be the food of love, play on. Except Shakespeare didn’t have to contend with lyrics that could churn butter at 100 paces. So for your milk based delectation, here are my choice of the Worst Ten Love Song Lyrics of All Time.
Um… Yeah. You could try apologising. Like “I apologise”. Hang on. You’re being ironic right? Wrong. Just say sorry!
Broken Wings (1985)
Except you won’t. Someone’s love wings are broken. Along comes Mr. Mister and… “Here” he says, “have some second hand wings I got down the pub for a fiver.” “I’ll even give them to you with such impassioned pathos that the contemporary use of the term pathetic is entirely apt. No need to thank me.” Twat.
This song may have been from a concept album Battle of the Bands, but I’m pretty use of the word ‘etceterea’ in a love song is conceptually wrong. I love you so much, because you’re great and, y’know, like, stuff. Where’s my bong? What was I saying?
Do They Know It’s Christmas? (1984)
Okay so this isn’t a love song but I have to include it here just because of its cruel lack of forethought.
They’re singing about a famine! In Ethiopia! I don’t think a lack of light is the problem. And some shade might actually help! And some exclamation marks!!! And Christmas time? I don’t think they give a toss.
Where’s Santa? Santa? Who gives a monkey’s? Where’s the sodding food?
I think I understand Bob Geldof’s reasoning though. “Um yeah… Hoy. Oym Bob Geldof and we all jst have t’ feed de world loyke. And not enoff son shoyne is de prablem. Oym Oirish and we had a Famine woonce. It rained de whole bloddy toime. Nut a days son shoyn. Dat’s all ye noyd. A bit of Son.”
The Spice Girls
Well lovely if you’re true to your word but… Ah forget it. Tease. And I really really wanted to zingazing ah as well.
Nights in White Satin (1967)
The Moody Blues
I love cheese but an endless night with this slowly rotting block of Anchor Reserve makes me want to bludgeon baby dolphins to death with a spoon.
But I have to confess another reason for hating this song. Until a few months ago I thought they were talking about KNIGHTS in white satin. I’m not a huge fan of Arthurian legend but I thought the imagery was rather good. I had no idea anyone could be banal enough to… ah forget it. Come here Flipper.
All By Myself (1975)
Um… There’s a reason. Stop singing about it. Tosser. Or not. You might enjoy being by yourself more if you were.
You Remind Me of Something (1995)
‘Nuff said. Although the addition of the word ‘baby’ is some recompense I guess.
Still… You Turn Me On (1974)
Emerson Lake and Palmer
Crystallized Flesh? Buried? Madder? Get me a ladder? Two words: Josef Frtitzel
MacArthur Park (1967)
So near and yet so far. Promising, pained and romantic metaphor descends into farcical similie. Just like, well, a striped pair of pants I guess.
Keep On Loving You
OMG REO! I mean WTF? This says Jeremy Kyle all over it. Actually no it doesn’t. Christ on a bike this is rape dude! Drunken abusive husband style. Oprah is all over this one. As are the Police and Domestic Violence Units around the world.
Any more you’d like to see added on this list? Just add to the comments or drop me a line. Laters.
Like a modern day Moses, John Davis (formerly Jay Sivad) was rescued from under a bushel by the Dating Trail team. Cleansed of his past as a serious journalist, John emerged, the proverbial butterfly, as the country's leading dating writer. He's got practical skills too and can attest to being nation's most experienced dating host having run over 250 speed dating events for Original Dating. A stand up comedian, radio host, philosopher (it's true! He has the paperwork) and budding media personality (Channel Four's Come Date With Me), Jay turns a wry eye on the travails of modern dating and its participants.
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