Flirting basics

by Peter Spalton
The Dating Doctor
Tuesday, 16th June 2009

When flirting most people, particularly men, tend to concentrate on what they say. But the non-verbal elements (your body language and your voice) are the most important.

Your posture and stance shows confidence. Your face and head shows interest in the other person. Your smile can disarm them, your eyes will melt them and your mouth will tease them. Use your fingers to touch them and your movements to catch their eye. And play kneesie and footsie if you feel like getting sexy. Use your mind to think things up that will please them.

The thing about flirting is that it's about how far you go and it's different for everyone. Make sure you watch their reaction and be aware that you can go further in a bar than you can at work. Remember it should be fun, so enjoy it. The basic rules of light flirting with friends and colleagues are...

Posture

You must look confident and relaxed. Straighten up, relax your shoulders and take your hands out of your pockets. When sitting lean slight towards the other person.

Face

Animate your face in response to what the other person is saying, tilting to the side is best.

Smile

The smile is one of your killer weapons. You can use it to totally disarm them. But do not force it, as a spontaneous smile lights up your eyes by making those lovely wrinkles around your eyes.

Eyes

Your eyes are your most important weapon. Looking directly at the other person's face is very powerful as it portrays trust and indicates interest in them. The 'flirting triangle' is when you are chatting together. Look into their eyes, down to their mouth and back into their eyes. The lingering look (sticky eyes) is where you look into the other person's eyes for a couple of seconds after they've stopped speaking.

Fingers

Use your finger pads to touch them and create a bond between the two of you. But you need to be careful. The safe zone is on the upper arm between the elbow and shoulder which you can fleetingly dab with your fingers. Touching their hand is much more personal - you will be taking things to a more intimate level. So go for a light touch with your fingers pads on their hand and watch their reaction. A negative reaction doesn't necessarily mean that they don't like you, it could mean that you are pushing things along too quickly.

Space

The distance between the two of you is very important because it shows how trusting you are of each other. A normal distance between people is an arms length. If you move closer and they don't try to move back, you're doing OK. But be careful as different cultures have different distances for personal space. Just think how bad it feels in a crowded lift or on the underground.

Voice

If you speak in a flat monotone you will be perceived as boring and dull. Loud will make you overbearing, quiet and soft will make you seem submissive. You need to vary your pitch, pace and volume. Lower your voice at an important moment and watch them move in towards you.

topic tags: body language, flirting

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about the author

As the Dating Doctor, Peter Spalton speaks at events, runs high-energy workshops and coaches people on all aspects of flirting, dating, seduction and chatting up strangers. He is a member of the advisory board to the Academy of Sex and Relationships in London and does two or three radio slots every month. In addition he gives regular interviews to newspapers and magazines. He has appeared live on national TV and radio as well as numerous BBC and commercial radio stations around the country.

Peter runs regular dating workshops around the country - full listings here »

You can also visit him on the web at www.thedatingdoctor.co.uk

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