The Rules of Attraction:
A male's biased guide to Speed dating

by John Davidson

Congratulations, you've bought the ticket, you're trying on the outfit, and the stomach butterflies are twittering with excitement. Yes we're on the way to a night of Speed Dating.

Speed dating has come a long way in a few years, and still to my mind offers the best opportunities for meeting large numbers of like-minded members of the opposite sex in a short period of time. It isn't perfect, but then what is? In this brief article I want to elaborate from my experience of a number of events is how I feel as a male you can prepare yourself to achieve the best outcome on the night.

Setting the scene

First things first however, before you even enter the venue where the night's magic will be happening you have to set your expectations at a realistic level. Do not go in thinking that this is where you're going to meet the love of your life, treat it as evening out where you'll get to meet new people. The higher your expectations, the more pressure you'll put on yourself and the less you'll act like the real you.

Now in certain circumstances not acting like the real you can be a positive boon, but here you're not auditioning for the lead role in Hamlet, and act can be seen through quite quickly. I've seen a number of desperate cases where people have tried to pretend to be something they're not (I think apprentice lion tamer was the all time low,) and it hasn't provided the fast track to success that those trying it out have hoped for.

Dress to impress

Secondly, dress well. That can mean smart casual or smart smart, but above all clean. Women are somewhat more fastidious than men when it comes to cleanliness (generally) and tide marks round the collar or memories of last week's Korma on a t-shirt can end a budding romance faster than calling out your ex's name in the throes of passion.

Of course, being a man you might want some fashion advice prior to the event. My advice is to ask a female friend what they think other men (not you) look good in. Of course this might mean that you have to lose the Wallace and Grommit tie, but hey who said that this wouldn't be without sacrifices.

Now you might think that the above contradicts the advice about being the real you, but in my experience wearing the wrong clothes can more hinder than help the female from seeing what's inside them. Speed dating is a way of breaking the ice, and an incorrect ensemble can have all the effects on an unexpected cold front.

A man on the wing is king

Third point before we even get through the doors is deciding whether you're going to this alone or take a wingman or in certain circumstances an entire squadron with you. In my experience two's a charm and three or more is definitely a crowd.

I do know certain guys who swear by the lone wolf principle. The advantage is that being by yourself does mean that you're more likely to talk to the assembled female populace during the breaks and before and after the actual dating, however again, strictly in my experience the female of the species tends like the noble lioness to hunt in pack formation, and can sometimes despite the fact that they have come with the same intentions as you, be rather unapproachable.

Again for the male, you do want backup, someone who can help initiate conversations with the ladies, and who can provide a drinking partner should you be stuck out in a cold zone. More than two people though I have found develops its own group dynamic, and can turn into something similar to a regular night down the pub.

OK, so you're prepped, not expecting too much, dressed in a way designed not to frighten children or the elderly. You're entering the venue with a mate, and you're both considering the other the wingman for evening, what next?

Beating the nerves the British way

For myself, I'll get a drink. I've personally found a few drinks whilst Speed dating a good way to relax. I would stress though that getting steaming drunk does tend to blunt Cupid's arrow pretty effectively, and many women seem to be put off if you're stumbling around like Oliver Reed at a beer festival.

The idea of meeting so many people can be pretty nerve racking, and let's be honest it can seem like a series of job interviews. Personally I've had the most success at job interviews where I've felt calmest and not put on an artificial front, same here and so a couple of pints or a glass of wine can help dispel the 19 espressos before breakfast feeling that interviews can create, this is for the Speed dating by the way, not as a trick to try on future employer.

Obtaining the early advantage

Next, if possible try to mingle a bit before the event. Now here I don't mean run around shaking everyone's hand as if you're trying to sell them life insurance, but hang about close to some other groups and see if you can engage in some light conversation. This means that when you do sit down some of the ice will already be broken.

So the big moment has arrived, the host is calling out for the ladies and gentlemen to take their seats and you find yourself sitting in front of your first prospect of the evening. What's your first step?

Use your four minutes wisely

Generally I've found that your partner for next 3-5 minutes will be first in, and the winner in the prize for opening gambit is the question that I always dread "So tell me John, what do you do?" No it's not that I'm embarrassed about what I do, it's what's behind the question that irks, the idea that your occupation pigeonholes you immediately as to the rest of your character.

My advice here is to be honest, the apprentice lion tamers of this world might get a brief laugh, but it sends out the signal that there's something there to hide, and to immediately throw the ball back into their court by not asking what they do, but by trying to engage them in conversation.

Why is this important? Many studies have shown that women are generally more apt to make decisions based upon the initial impression than men are, honestly, despite years of propaganda to the contrary, women at least initially count what's outside as more important as to what's inside. Now for some men that's no cause for concern, but for the rest of us it can leave us as jammed inside the starting gates as effectively as a greyhound on all mars bar diet.

Now remember just like a job interview, it's not just about the girl liking you, the feeling has to be reciprocated, and that means finding out where the common ground lies. Again according to studies, the best thing here to ask about is travel.

This just doesn't mean where you went on your holidays last year, but to also find out about dream destinations, this can often be a good guide to character and to what interests you might share. Books and movies are in my experience also good conversation starters and guides.

The trick here I find is to listen attentively, but also to actively engage in the conversation and to ensure that it has that good tennis match feeling of back and forth. Yes your can date be interested in talking about herself, but she'll also want to hear about you, and this can be the opportunity that you've been looking to redress the impact that your first impression might have made.

At some point after 3-5 minutes, the bell will be rung or the whistle blown and you'll be expected to move on. Occasionally let's be honest you'll find yourself across the table from someone you just don't fancy, or have as little in common with as a pork butcher at a Bar Mitzvah, my advice is as hard as it seems try and treat her just as you did the girl three tables beforehand who you felt might as well have just fallen from heaven.

Why you ask? Well you don't know who knows who in the room, this girl might be the your dream date's flatmate, colleague, sister and at least making the best impression on her as possible is important, even if in this case it just means sitting there attentively listening as to how horrible or great her job is. Who knows you might end up uncovering some common ground after all, let's be fair here it isn't just women who can be overly swayed by first impressions.

The real action starts after the event

It's the end of the night now, the final date has come and gone and you want to know what to do next. I've always found staying put for at least a little while helps. If a girl did like you this gives her the opportunity to come and find you to renew your conversation, alternatively you can see whether she makes a beeline for someone else, it also gives a chance to catch up with your wingman and compare notes before you do the final scoring, and that is the point of the evening to see if there's anyone you'd like to see again.

Speed dating forms generally give three options, yes, no or friend. For me the friend option has always been a bit of quandary, it seems to be frankly a yes in an ill fitting disguise. For women I find it a way of them saying maybe, and for men it's when they can't bring themselves to say no.

Be honest with yourself and score wisely

Men and women seem to have very different methods of scoring with the girls being very selective with their yeses and men ticking yes to everyone who didn't make them want to chew their own arm off to escape. For myself I think being honest with yourself is important; if you really want to meet someone with whom you felt a connection, only tick yes to those where you thought it could be possible.

If there was no one there that rang your bell, admit it, you've had a good night out anyway leave it at that and try again another day. Remember there's speed dating all around and you've met some nice people, caught up with a mate and have something for office banter the next day.

So there you are, you have totalled up your scores, and you've put your glass down for the last time. Unless you've been supremely lucky that should be it, you might have hit it off immediately with someone, in that case more power to your elbow, but unless you want to hang around to catch the girl doing the Amy Winehouse impersonation without the singing I would suggest getting out. You can always gather up your wingman for another drink at the pub up the road, but getting a good's night sleep could be more beneficial, here it really is a matter of taste.

Those then were my thoughts on having a good evening's speed dating, and they weren't entirely drawn from my own experience, but also from some friends (one of whom ended up married from the first event he ever went to) who've partaken of its particular delights. My final word is whatever way you intend play, just remember it's an evening to be enjoyed and having a good night out is something we can all benefit from.

John Davidson lives and works in Southwest London. He's aged 32, currently single, and works in advertising and is a freelance writer in his spare time. John is currently writing a guide to succeeding at modern dating and as such has attended many speed dating events and lock and key parties both as an event host and participant. John is a leading authority on all matters speed dating and has recently joined Dating Trail as a regular contributor to our tips and advice section.

This article has been reproduced with the permission of the author.